When Connor was four, he had a pair of shiny red rubber boots. We played out in the back yard frequently, searching for bugs, climbing the play structure, kicking balls. One day outside, I told Connor, "Stay away from the powder on the side of the house. Daddy sprayed ant poison and it will make you sick if you touch it." His reply, "OK, mom!" Five minutes later, he comes to me and I can see the dust on his boots, grinning proudly.
"Mom! I stepped in the poison and I didn't die."
This is what it's like to be the mom of a kid with ADHD and ODD, and was an aha moment for me, even though he was as yet undiagnosed. Defiance. Built-in. If I told him not to do something, that pretty much guaranteed he was going to do it.
I don't have ADHD, but I have a streak of ODD. I'm defiant. I don't like to follow rules. People telling me what to do annoy me. When I need to, I play well with others, but the overall idea of authority doesn't sit super-well with me.
Like son, like mother. This last week, I stepped in the ant poison.
I'm supposed to be changing habits. I'm supposed to be eating low glycemic. Sugar is not my friend. So, what did I do last week?
I had 2 chocolate chip cookies
I had a piece of pita bread at a Lebanese restaurant. Home made, heavenly-smelling, worth every calorie.
I had at least a dozen Hershey's chocolate hearts.
I ate a few slices of cheddar cheese and snacked on mozarella while making a lasagna
Ghiardelli milk chocolate chips. I won't tell you how many
A pat of butter on my salmon before steaming it
Whipped cream on my TSFL cocoa
I didn't just step in the ant poison, I stomped in it. Part of it is basic behavioral psychology - a painful experience makes you change, you change just enough to stop feeling pain, then you stop changing. So a big part of it is that I was successful for a month and I got lazy and started coasting. Another part of it was that I'm starting to get weary, rebellious, sick of those little boxes.
I could have done any ONE of those cheats above and probably still been OK. However, I should not have done all of them. They were all conscious choices; no one pressured me or forced. Lazy? Self sabotage? Boredom? Depression? Lots of reasons, probably all of the above. It wasn't my best week of the program, but it was a learning week, and a week I intend not to repeat.
No excuses. No whining. I've adhered 100% to the program today. It works for a reason. I'll probably stomp in the ant poison a few more times along the way. But that's just me. A rebel. A perfectly imperfect, defiant, rebellious person.